This year on Christmas Eve the perfect Christmas Day will start.
Daddy will remember that it’s sleigh bells in the garden at bedtime.
A tambourine sounds nothing like Santa’s sleigh.
I will be allowed out of bed every half hour to check the palpability
of my stocking for evidence of a visit from the bloke in red.
We will get up at 5.30am. All of us. Whilst I don’t mind a bit of covert rummaging in a baggy sock by torchlight, there comes a point when I require
the input of a delighted adult to validate my excitement.
We will open all our presents before breakfast. Actually, I don’t really care what anyone else does, as long as that wrapping paper is off my gifts within 30 seconds of my arrival at the Christmas tree. No waiting till mid-morning; none of that delayed gratification rubbish while Mummy stuffs cold meat into a turkey’s bottom. And absolutely no spacing out of presents throughout the day, ‘to make it last.’ Pah!
There will be a chocolate Santa in my stocking. It’s the same every Christmas.
This year I want to be allowed to eat it for breakfast. All of it.
Talking of breakfast, it will be pain-au-chocolat. None of that fancy schmanzty panettony stuff that Mummy likes. Someone should tell her that it’s just white bread with sugar on it.
My brother will be angelic. Not only will he show huge self-control when he sees my haul, but he will give me his own presents to play with whenever I ask.
He will also share his chocolate Santa with me.
Someone else will cook Christmas lunch. Seriously, Christmas is the day of the year
most likely to require the input of my mother in my play.
A LEGO R2-D2 doesn’t build itself, you know!
As for the perfect Christmas lunch, I do like a roast dinner, but this year I’d like the trimmings to be relevant. None of that bread sauce stuff, what is that about? And as for cranberries – fruit with gravy should be illegal.
Yorkshire puddings will do nicely thank you.
The perfect Christmas day drinks will not include demands to drink water.
Glitterberry J2O all day long please.
For the rest of the day I will be allowed to do pretty much whatever I want. There will be champagne for Mummy, so this should be achievable.
There will be two entertainment rooms:
- The living-room, where Elf will play on a loop for 6 hours, until the Christmas special of Strictly Come Dancing begins.
- The playroom, where Daddy will have set up his new Playstation 4/Xbox One (delete as appropriate).
I told you how we added sneaky treats to Mummy’s shopping list last week.
This week Daddy is chancing his arm:
Someone will keep topping up Mummy’s glass. Which will result in her napping. Which means she won’t notice that bedtime has been and gone. Which is good.
When I do make it into bed, I will be allowed to have all my Christmas presents to sleep with me by my pillow. Including the chocolate.