social media addict

When I started blogging, my husband didn’t really know much about social media. He had an impressive LinkedIn profile, but didn’t really see the need for Twitter, and Facebook was just a place he went to virtually wave at old girlfriends occasionally. He is now a fully-fledged digital marketing expert, but in the beginning I was ahead of the game. A couple of months into my blogging career, I sent my first tweet. For a while, he lost me to a glass of wine in the kitchen every evening, as I chattered to my new friends. Then one day, he noticed my followers number.

You have 1000 followers? How do I get a Twitter account?

Over the years our online behaviour has completely swapped places. Where I have learned to switch off to enjoy a film, or read a book (occasionally – let’s be realistic here!), his obsession with social media has gone from strength to strength, and you might frequently find us bickering about whether or not he is actually looking at his phone, or just checking to make sure it’s still on. It’s like the twitter version of lifting the hook to make sure there is a dial tone.

So when I spotted a couple of people bemoaning their partners’ obsessions with hobbies, I just knew what I had to write about.

You know your partner is a social media addict when…

  1. Nothing you say registers. It may look like your instructions for the kids’ tea are sinking in, but be prepared for the nicely set-aside vegetables to be sitting happily in the fridge, where you left them, when you get back.
  2. He develops a passion for Spotify playlists. He claims it is ambience for mealtimes, but it’s really just an excuse to check his emails at the dinner table.
  3. When he goes out for the evening, and you get no answer when you call him, you immediately check Squarespace and Facebook to see if you can determine what time he’ll be back.
  4. You have conversations with each other after you’ve gone to bed. On twitter. When you thought he was asleep.
  5. Your children sit shivering in a cold bath, because Daddy just needs to send one more email before he gets them out.
  6. You discover that your children have social apps you’ve never heard of, and they tell you it’s so they can talk to Daddy.
  7. You are apprised of every single actor, in every single film you watch together, within 5 minutes of it starting. You marvel at his superior knowledge, until he tells you the film is not worth watching. According to his friends on Imdb, who are hiding under a cushion.
  8. Your kids stop smiling on holiday, in a wilful bid to deter their paparazzi father.
  9. You explore rock-pools for coral and hermit crabs, while he videos strangers surfing for his Vine profile.
  10. He gets your daughter to create a Viber recommendation for him, and takes it to his next job interview. Complete with little piggies and hearts. And shows his future employers.
  11. He takes you to an awesome new restaurant, and walks straight past it while he’s videoing his route.
  12. He asks you incessantly how many followers you have on Twitter.
  13. He pays your children extra pocket money if they agree not to tell on him. After a month they have enough for their own iPads.
  14. A trip to the toilet takes longer than the time needed to eat breakfast, clear the table, load the dishwasher, and have a shower.
  15. He tags his selfies with #cool to make himself more cool.
  16. Parents on the playground on a Monday morning ask you how your steak was on Saturday night.

 

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